Vogons Behind NEB Hearings on Kinder Morgan Pipeline


In a move which has surprised no one in the universe, except for the actual residents of the Earth the Vogons have long wanted to destroy to make room for a hypergalactic speedway, the spacefaring bureaucrats with a penchant for unutterably bad poetry have come out with an official statement supporting the NEB hearings over Kinder Morgan pipeline construction in BC. The hearings have been widely criticised for ignoring public input and for bias towards Kinder Morgan’s pipeline plan, which critics charge will do grievous harm to the local BC ecology and speed up the probable destruction of human civilization itself.

Moved by what apparently constituted ecstatic excitement but appeared to observers as a bad case of gas, one Vogon cleric burst into a poetic ode to the Kinder Morgan Pipeline which began:

Oh freddled gruntbuggly…..

The following lines were not reported after all the human reporters in attendance ran into a nearby river screaming and attempting to pull the ears off their heads. One reporter in attendance, who had cleverly inserted steel earplugs before the onslaught, was Ford Prefect, apparently a visiting alien of unknown origin. When asked about the Vogons and their intentions he pulled out an Hitchhiker’s Guide and read:

Here is what to do if you want to get a lift from a Vogon: forget it. They are one of the most unpleasant races in the Galaxy. Not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn’t even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders – signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters.

Reflecting on the NEB hearings thus far Chloe Hartley of Dogwood Initiative wrote, “This NEB review has been a carefully orchestrated process designed to defeat the public.” Hartley wrote that in a piece titled What’s a Public Hearing Without The Public? “Public Hearings Without The Public” are, of course, a Vogon speciality, as written above in the Guide.